Addressing Anger

In the feature image, it looks like Little Loaf has said something to ignite Sally Mander’s fuse. She looks very angry!

Below are my thoughts while reading the article called Addressing Anger in the Online Therapy Unit Additional Resources packet.

The main areas where I experience anger are when driving, when I see or experience crime, and when I think about the atrocities that occur in the world. Of late, the rising prices and shrinkflation make me somewhat crazy. I also feel angry at the injustices of the world, as in social injustice or other such things. The latter being something I have always felt, right from an early age.

I have often heard that anger is fear turned into what might be termed “fight mode” – as in flight or fight. I see much truth in that.

Although I don’t consider myself one of those fly-off-the-handle crazy people, I do have a short fuse at times and I don’t like how I react with anger. This is probably one area that I could spend much more time digging into, and finding additional ways to roll back, or prevent, the anger in the first place. I will share some of my experiences and how I handle them, or don’t handle them, as the case may be.

While reading about the “should rules” in the Addressing Anger handout, I identified with the following, adding some of my own. They are not listed in any order of importance.

Life shouldn’t be this hard. Although I can feel this, I recall learning long ago that life is hard. Nowhere is it written that life is, or should be, a breeze. I learned this early when I first encountered M. Scott Peck’s book The Road Less Traveled. He said that knowing that life is not easy makes it, somehow, easier. This was a real eye opener for me and something I usually keep in mind – and can remind myself of at times of struggle and/or doubt.

The doctors should have a cure for this. I can relate to this when I see my wife suffer with the health-hand she has been dealt. Gut issues, heart issues, blood issues, and now Parkinson’s. What a load to carry! She manages all this quite well with faith, kindness, and much joy. I handle it okay most of the time but sometimes I scream at the god I don’t believe in. Remnants from being raised as a Catholic. 😊 Although I have my own health issues, I think I manage them quite well, except when I have the flu and wouldn’t mind if someone pulled my plug.

Man Cold – Created by Don Cheke

There should not be this much traffic. Oh ya, this one occurs every time I go out in my car. It is so annoying and I wish I could change my mindset so that when I did go out I could do so in a state of peace. So often it is like a switch is flipped and I become this anonymous tank driver – and watch out if anyone gets in my way, or in what I consider my space. This is not to say that I don’t recognize what is happening and can even get myself back on even keel with positive self-talk, but that happens far less than the opposite negative reaction. I am embarrassed to admit it but sometimes I pretend that I have the “nuke them” button on my gear shift, or a missile launcher – providing a similar but milder form of “boom.” LOL!

Roadway Castration – Created by Don Cheke

The world should be a fair place. I hate all forms of crime, even if it is something I am watching on TV for entertainment. I can often be heard saying, “put them down” and I can feel a rage within. Quite often I need to remind myself that all good books and TV shows need, or have, one or more antagonist. It is truly irrational that I should feel so strongly at these times, but I think that things like this remind me of the unjust nature of the world, as I mentioned earlier. I have often thought that people should be able to leave their TV in their front yard and nobody should walk off with it. I know this is not how it is, and so I feel angry. I can usually calm down but I don’t like having reactions like this in the first place. I stopped watching the news and reading newspapers and magazines long ago to shield myself from the “evils” that are based in reality – if one can put any stock in what the media tells us. In a similar view, I hate all forms of advertising, and I take/have taken many steps to ensure that I am not exposed – ad blockers, no cable TV, ad-free streaming TV, etc. This helps greatly.

I am often heard to say that awareness is the key to life, so recognizing the issues and why anger is the response is the first step. What are the underlying causes – is it something that stems from unresolved issues, or baggage from the past. I think one can find the causes if they are determined to do so. For me, I understand why I feel the way I do when I am set off and usually what has ignited it. Although I let go in the safety of my home and in my car, I am usually too scared of getting in trouble if I let go out in the world. That is not to say that I have never let go out in the world because I have. As I was writing this, I remember two things that occurred a couple of years ago. One was still private, but obvious to me, the other was very public.

The first was when I noticed that while sitting on my fourth-floor balcony overlooking the busy street I would mentally be nuking cars, trains, joggers, and so forth – anything that was making me feel annoyed – wind chimes, backup beepers. I’m sure you get the idea. I don’t recall why I was so stressed at this time, but I hated all these annoyances. This went on for a couple weeks and I finally realized that I was stressed and reacting badly – that I needed to get a hold of myself and figure out how to get past this anger. At this point, I don’t remember what I did, but I imagine I reflected and wrote about it.

The second thing was, as I said, very public. I am almost too embarrassed to mention it but will anyway. I had been in a retail outlet waiting in line for my turn at the cash register. There were several people in line and movement forward was almost nonexistent. I am standing there with the 6-pack of socks I want to buy and I am fuming more and more as the clock ticks. Someone in the line ahead leaves the line and leaves the store. A worker on the floor walks by and I ask in a somewhat angry voice if she can open another till. She says she doesn’t know how to operate it and walks away. I fume even more. I stand there wondering where the manager is – a good manager would step in and open a till too. No manager in sight! Still no movement in the line and I am at my wits end. Finally, after what feels like hours, I lose my cool and hurl my package of socks across the store. The package narrowly misses a lady and I see the surprise on her face. In shock at my actions, and the continuing anger, I bulldozed my way out of the store banging into a display on my way out. Once in the car I am faced with shame at my reaction and hoping with all my being that no one has videoed my outburst. Why did I wait so long, why didn’t I just leave earlier like the fellow ahead of me. It’s not like I can’t buy socks somewhere else! I am like that, when I get my mind set on a specific product, I have a hard time with change – but at what cost is this healthy!? The store incident was a huge reminder that I was somewhat out of control with whatever was happening this particular summer. I don’t know if it was the stress of having survived COVID or dealing with a new health issue with my wife. It was before her Parkinson’s diagnosis, so it wasn’t that. Probably COVID – that did a number on many of us. It changed the way I/we look at the world and made so many things we took for granted as suspect.

So, how do I manage anger, how can I get better at keeping a lid on it, or not letting it get there in the first place?

First, I try to remember that anger, like any emotion, is not bad – it is an emotion and an identifier of something I fear, or feel is unjust.

It past times, I would distract myself with hard physical work. These days, I examine the issues and use my recovery tools to work through them. I try to remember that there will be times when I feel anger and that I will not feel better if I let lose as in my example above. That means identifying issues quickly and defusing them with healthy self-talk. Perhaps when I am out driving, I can pretend that I am flying an airship in the bright blue sky. Perhaps instead of driving in a quiet cabin I can put on my music whenever I am out by myself. I do love my music, so perhaps that is all I need to change. I already take many steps to lessen my risk of anger, by shopping early for groceries – 7 or 8 AM as store hours allow, by never shopping on the weekend, and as I said above, by avoiding the news and advertising. By taking a longer route to avoid speed bumps and other annoyances. Occasionally I wonder if this is the answer – would it be better to go over the speed bump and not let it annoy me? Why can’t I just take it all in stride and not let anything annoy me!? That is the question, isn’t it!

Oh boy, all this, and I am only at the end of page 4 of 16 in the Addressing Anger article. LOL!

The article suggests a number of things that people can do to manage anger, some of which I use and mentioned above.

• Controlled breathing. This is not something I typically do, but I understand the mechanics behind it – like meditating.
• Take time out, distract yourself, monitor your anger – all things that I understand and do, but obviously, not all the time.

The article also suggests managing unhelpful thoughts with “thought challenging” – like I said, awareness is the key to life – they say recognize, examine and do something helpful. In other words, don’t let the anger be in control.

The remainder of the article had many good things to say. They are good reminders – things that can help keep the anger from occurring in the first place. Manage expectations, as they can ignite feelings of disappointment and anger. We are all separate people with different journeys – thinking that someone should have the same view as us, or act similarly might be a trigger. For this and other things like it, I often think, “how important is it.” Does it really matter that I am right about some inconsequential thing? Of course not. Not engaging keeps me from becoming angry.

There was a great component in the article about assertive communication. I don’t like the term assertive but used in the article it is about considering the needs, wants, and opinions of others. as well as ourselves, in a healthy manner. So, not being a doormat or a dictator. This is something I am very familiar with and use effectively, especially at times when Denise and I have different ideas about something. One or the other of us can be heard to say, “this is what I am hearing, is that what you are saying.” We are aware that we hear things through our own filters and often don’t hear at all what the other is saying. Asking this question leads to further discussion and clarification, which is the point – and hurt feelings are always minimized, or completely avoided.

I would venture to say that the next steps are to manage the anger using the things I have learned and to allow imperfection, as I am not going to become 100% proficient at it – but I can certainly be attentive and be aware when triggers are lurking. I think I will make a conscious effort to always put on the tunes when I am driving by myself. I will also continue to monitor my thinking and continue to be aware of my triggers. My wife doesn’t rage when she drives or when watching TV, so it must be possible. 👍😊

Reading, writing and sharing my journey is my way to actively take part in my recovery and to process what I learn. Doing this provides a better chance of me making it part of me, as opposed to just skimming the article and calling it done. Still, I have much more work to do, but who doesn’t!? Progress, not perfection, as they say in Al-Anon – as well as one day at a time. Continuing to take a daily personal inventory and promptly admit when I am wrong goes a long way to active participation – at least I think so.

---

If you feel like it, give some thought to what makes you angry and how you manage this complex full-body feeling. Maybe you have some skills that others have not considered.

Donald B. Cheke – Saskatoon, SK