A Heavy Load

It is my hope that this blog post doesn’t read as a whine-a-log, or a poor-me pity trip, but the subject matter might seem to lean that way and it is something that comes to mind now and again, and something that I believe all folks will relate to in one way or another. As is typical for my blog posts, I will try to intertwine some wisdom and maybe the odd laugh.

Every now and again I think about the heavy load that we humans are asked to carry throughout our lives. The load changes as circumstances change, but it is always a heavy load. Of course, we all need to survive, and from time immemorial, we have all had to feed and clothe ourselves, along with those in our charge, such as our children and our elders. Let’s talk about feeding and clothing. In ancient times, this required hunting and gathering. If you didn’t hunt, then you didn’t eat, and eventually you starved and died. In more modern times it meant/means finding a job, keeping that job, and either using what has been earned from that job yourself, or trading what you have produced from that job with others. This also meant that you survived, and quite possibly had a better variety in your life due to the ability to trade. In modern times, as people want more and more things, the pressure to find better and better jobs, and the desire not to lose what has been acquired puts huge pressure on people. Perhaps it now takes two well-paid jobs to maintain the style of living that one’s family has become accustomed to. Even at that, many people are one or two pay checks away from losing it all and finding themselves on the street if they don’t keep up the pace to survive, or because of some tragedy that might put it all in jeopardy.

Denise and I have relied on two incomes, with hers always being the better. There were times when she was the sole breadwinner, as it was called at one time, and I could see the pressure this placed on her to ensure that we always had food on the table and a roof over our head. Because she was a teacher, and later a school principal, she had a secure job, or as secure as one could imagine. That said, when she eventually had to go on medical leave, she/we took a huge hit financially. I used to laugh, well not really laugh, but roll my eyes, when people said that they heard that people on medical leave received 60% of their wage, but that was good, since they didn’t have to pay tax on it. Although the statement is somewhat true, the actual take home pay was about 60% of what the net take home pay used to be, so a huge loss. I always tried to compensate as best I could and did work most of my life, and really, I was only without some kind of work for about two years when I was a stay-at-home dad, and for a short time after that when I was basically forced to retire and was only later able to collect my CPP and my OAS which will start at the end of March 2025. That income will sure come in handy. I will probably feel like I won the lottery. 😊 Although there have been times in my life that I was earning well enough, there were times when I was not and, boy, let me tell you how much I felt the shame of that on occasion, like that was a measure of my success.

Do you feel, or have you felt, the burden of being that sole earner in your family? How have you dealt with it as you lived through it? Did you just look at it as your role and do the best you could, one day at a time? Did you feel resentful due to the fact that you were the one with this particular burden, or did you just see it as your role in your current situation?

When thinking about jobs, I think that most people, even those who love their jobs, often wish that they didn’t have to work so hard, or so often. It’s like they/we spend more hours a day working than doing anything else. In reality, for much of our lives that is exactly what we do. Whenever I have felt such feelings in the past and envisioned a simpler life, say living as a caveman, I always come to the realization that even a caveman had a job. That job was hunting and gathering and it was something that was required, likely more often than the caveman wanted. I suspect that it took a huge effort to do both. Thinking about this helps me because I realize quickly that we, people in general, have always had to work to sustain our lives, and it has always been a task that requires so much effort. To sum up, it means that it is just part of life, not really any different for anyone in the general sense. Sure, we can save and acquire a surplus to help during the leaner times, but really, how much dinosaur jerky and dried grain can you acquire as an ancient, before you have to get more, and to stay ahead of the game, if only for a short while. It’s never-ending work, and it is often hard and dangerous, even in the modern era.

Speaking about jobs and earning, our changing landscape sure doesn’t help with the pressure we all feel, especially now when prices continually rise at staggering rates and where young singles or couples simply can’t afford their own place and tend to stay at home often into their late twenties, or even early thirties, or arrive back home at later ages when they hit bumps in the road and need parents to help them through. All the while placing an additional burden on the parents who may find the struggle to stay afloat already burdensome.

Let’s talk about other kinds of things that add to the load.

How about peer pressure, which starts at a very early age. Kids can be cruel and we learn early that we need to blend in well to avoid bullies or other unwanted attention. This type of pressure is not confined to kids, as I am sure you can attest. Peer and societal pressures continue throughout life, even well into old age. Think about the pressure from society to look a certain way, or to behave a certain way. Think about the pressure from the world of capitalism and the marketing machine that pressure us to drink the right pop, the right beer, or other such things, or to eat the right brand of competing food groups. To make things even worse, there are always conflicting pressures, to lead a proper, or good life, and that, according to many differing views, be it political or religious, parental or self-directed. On the other hand, there is the pressure to buck the system and live a rebellious life, one that leads to a not so good life, perhaps one of stealing and cheating because it seems the only way to survive, or because one develops a warped sense of entitlement. I am sure we can all think of examples for all these things.

One of the pressures that I find frustrating at times is due to changes in technology where we are always having to learn how to operate complex things, like computers, cell phones, digital parking meters, and apps for this and apps for that. With these changes comes ever increasing difficulties getting help when these things break down, or finding someone to explain how they work when we get stumped. Although I manage most of these things well enough, I can often be heard complaining about always having to learn new interfaces that change just for the sake of change. The thing that bothers me most is that somehow, we are all expected to just know how to work it all. For many, like my mom, the changes cannot be adapted to, and then she relies on me to get her sorted. I don’t mind, since she is my mom, but again, the expectation for her to keep up and to know how to do it all is mind boggling. One of the things Mom talks about is the desire, occasionally, to get a smartphone. Most people in her senior’s complex have them, but I know from experience that my mom just couldn’t manage it. I see all the complexity in using a smartphone, and I see from the small range of tasks she can manage on her desktop computer that she just couldn’t manage the phone. I know from experience that any glitch in computing requires a visit from me, even if it’s just to sign her back into her Microsoft account to be able to use her email after an update. I don’t think less of her for this, it is just the way it is, but no, no smartphone for her, unless she is willing to find a friend in her senior’s home that will be her phone mentor. Then there is the cost, another $90.00 per month for something that she likely couldn’t use for much more than making telephone calls, which she can do from her home phone, or from her old flip phone when out and about. Perhaps, no one is forcing us, per se, to get all the new technology, but really, the pressure is there as everything goes digital and on-line. Think banking, shopping, and even learning. The drive to keep up is ever present. Even in this area, we feel the pressure to keep up with the Jones, who buy and show off all the new toys that come to the marketplace.

Are you in the position where you are called the sandwich generation? Both Denise and I are there. In this role, we are required to give support to our grown kids and the grandchildren on one hand, and our aging and ailing parents on the other hand. Although there is much joy in supporting the young and the old, it does add a dose of pressure on us since we are already old folks ourselves at 65 and 70 years old.

How about trying to write a blog post for the upcoming Monday, when it’s already Thursday and the day before was Christmas day, and you and your wife just ensured that everyone had a good Christmas, including having shopped for gifts, wrapping said gifts, baked goodies, made a turkey with all the fixings, cleaned it all up afterwards, including dishes. Even with the dishwasher helping out, there are still many things to wash by hand. By the end of Christmas day, both Denise and I were wiped out. Although we had a wonderful day, I said to Denise afterwards that I thought that we would have to think about how better to approach the season so that it is more manageable for us old ones. As for the blog post, you are reading the one I started on Thursday. Although I could have bypassed this week, I didn’t want to miss it, since my plan was to write 52 blog post in 52 weeks, and this is number 45. I don’t want to miss my personal goal. 👍

What about the pressure to be healthy. Don’t you just hate it when the dentist’s office is continually reminding you that it is time for your next cleaning!? I know this drives my wife crazy, that and the lecture or questions about your daily routine by the hygienist. I know they are just doing their job, but it feels like pressure. Just in case my first cousin reads this, the fellow who is our dentist, I hope he knows that we think he is the perfect dentist. He never puts pressure on us and never judges our dental health. Aside from this, his motto has always been “to cause no pain” and to make the experience a good as possible. This he does with perfection, I might add. It’s those darn hygienists who must have their own book of rules, which ensure judgement, or a lecture every time. I just shake my head when I have never had anything but compliments about my good teeth cleaning regime from my dentist, but still get the twenty questions from the hygienist. How many times a day do you brush, how much time do you spend brushing, how often do you floss. Ahhhhhhhhh!!! LOL!

I don’t really mean this, but sometimes I don’t think that modern medicine did us any favors that allow us to live to ages that inevitably lead to more and more health issues, and then still having to survive and deal with the same things we always did. It’s almost too much to bear, yet the unwritten laws of society state that we must continue to adapt. That is a very heavy load! Watching your loved ones deteriorate and not being able to help them, or fix their situation, adds to that heavy load.

As I was pondering this topic, I couldn’t help thinking that we as a people have been able to identify with the heavy burden we carry for all time. There are many stories, myths, and symbols that religions and cultures have used throughout the ages that are undoubtedly based on the same thinking. Although I am not a religious person at all, I was raised and schooled as a Catholic, so the cross and the crucifixion came to mind when thinking about history and the religious component. Yep, the cross still evokes so much in that realm, and the suffering the bearer has to endure.

The Cross – Created by Don Cheke

When it comes to carrying the heavy load, it is always helpful when we have someone to share the load with.

Man and Woman with Heavy Load – AI Generated – DALL·E 2024-12-23 17.35.21

In my case, I have had my family, mom and brothers, in the early years, and throughout my life, and especially from Denise from the time we met, and over the last forty years. Although family and friends can help ease the load and offer support in many ways, we as individuals must make the overall effort to navigate life and manage all the ups and downs which, as you know, can be measured in magnitudes. Having that one special one in your life, as I have with Denise, means that you/I can decompress or debrief with them. It means that someone will hold you/me when feeling broken. Or listen to you/me when needing to rant about some perceived injustice. It also means that we have someone to share all the joys that we experience as individuals, as a couple, and as a family with kids and grandkids. It means that we have someone to be intimate with in the most special ways, and to share our darkest secrets or fears and know that we are still loved. We also have someone that might gently question where we are at any one time in our lives and help guide us toward the outside help we may need.

Part of what I was getting at by the gentle nudge to finding help is that as individuals, as couples, we must acknowledge what makes us tick, what baggage we carry, and give into seeking help when the burden is extra heavy. Both Denise and I have never regretted getting outside help from counselors, and the like. It has always been worthwhile discovering the intricacies of life and even having the occasion spiritual awakening because of the steps we have taken to find and use that help.

It is hard work, and often a heavy burden peeling away the layers of onion that represent ourselves. After peeling away and coming to terms with what was found after peeling away that first layer, we find more stuff to deal with. Now having had some success, and realizing that we can now face and work through the next layer that was likely buried deep so we didn’t have to face it, we can now face it with much less fear. Now, with the help of our significant other, and with the help of those others we feel that we can progress to deeper and deeper levels, all the while, experiencing a lightening of the load.

Early on my journey of recovery, I read a book called The Road Less Traveled by M. Scott Peck. One of the things he wrote about, which I had already begun to realize, was that life is difficult, but knowing that somehow makes it easier. What that means to me is that we can acknowledge that we will have struggles in life, probably lots of them. It’s part of the journey. Part of the mandate to reach nirvana, or an enlightened state, is facing those struggles and learning from them. We may balk, like Pink Floyd in the song where he builds a wall around himself and “Mother” helps build the walls high by instilling fear and shame in him. In the end, when he cannot escape the prison, he asks in an exasperated tone, “did it have to be so high?” The point being that we must face life and not let our own fear and paralysis keep us from scaling the walls we build when we don’t keep moving forward over obstacles.

In the end, heavy load or not, life still seems to be worth living, since there is so much joy that the suffering itself has helped us realize – meaning you can’t know how good something is, until you have known suffering. A matched set, to some degree. For example, putting in all the effort to make Christmas supper, and then being able to get up at six in the morning the next day and having a turkey and stuffing sandwich for breakfast. Now that is joy!

Donald B. Cheke – December 30, 2024