Managing Beliefs

Today’s blog post is a look at the thoughts I jotted down while working through the Online Therapy Unit additional resource called Managing Beliefs. I found it interesting and it brought to mind many things, some of which I have shared in other blog posts and in my early writings.

OTU states that “beliefs are the conscious or unconscious ideas we have about ourselves, the world around us and the future. Beliefs often take the form of rules we have about who we are, how we should be and how the world should work. Beliefs are important because they affect the way we see things in our lives.” It further elaborates on the huge impact our beliefs have on us, and those we encounter. Further along it gives many examples and the opportunity to look inward at what we believe in as individuals.

When I wrote my first book, “Along the Way: A journey of One” in the late 1990’s I had in mind to do exactly what this worksheet wants me to do – to define my beliefs – to look deeply and examine in detail what those beliefs mean for me and how I live my life. In some ways, I considered writing the book as the most in-depth 4^th Step Inventory one could do. 225,000 pages later, I had a pretty good idea of what I believed – with the caveat that my beliefs were not set in stone and might change as I continued the journey. I did see some of my beliefs change through the years, some becoming less rigid, and others changing significantly. Some drove me on, some protected me, and some defined me. Most were healthy, defined by recovery and growth, but some, unbeknownst to me perhaps, were remnants of past beliefs that served to protect me from the “isms” of growing up in an alcoholic home.

Further along in my journey, I wrote my Threads of the Spirit book, which listed in an almost poetic fashion 100 of the lessons I had learned along my journey thus far. These too, can be looked at as beliefs. Just recently I reread this book and found that I still concur wholeheartedly with what I wrote. It was reassuring to read it again.

As I started to read and think about the OTU Managing Beliefs worksheets, I was struck by the first example. It stated that an unhealthy unrealistic/rigid belief might be “I must be perfect all the time.” It suggests that a healthy realistic/flexible belief might be, “it is okay not to be perfect all the time.” This is a belief I am very familiar with – and I have mostly come to adopt the healthier version.

The need to be perfect stemmed from growing up in an alcoholic home where I felt that if I could just be perfect, I would be accepted, maybe even loved. This was difficult for a number of reasons, the biggest of all being that I was still the family rebel and scapegoat. This can be summed up with a discussion I had with my older brother later in life. My older brother was the golden boy and could do nothing wrong. He felt the pressure of that expectation and did his best, all the while hating the responsibility. During our discussion, he said how jealous he was of me when I just went ahead and did my own thing growing up. I replied by saying yes, I couldn’t help but do my own thing, but the guilt and shame, and the self-hate I faced doing so, was not easy. Different views / different perspectives as we can see, one not necessarily better than the other.

This need to be perfect was deeply rooted in me. I was most able to keep this perfectionist persona in my work, whether a part-time grocery clerk at Safeway, a home improvement business owner, a cabinet maker, or later a CAD specialist and product designer. The “atta-boys” that came from that over the years spurred me on like nobody’s business. When I made mistakes, mostly self-imagined ones, I tortured myself with guilt and shame.

The OTU worksheets mention what happens to a perfectionist when they are called out by a boss or co-worker. I have my own examples of this. The first was not so much being called out but was by co-workers who clapped when I made a simple mistake while working as the part-time clerk. They clapped because they saw that I was not perfect after all. I never realized before that others saw me as the unerring machine, for lack of a better description. I remember feeling crushed, being singled out in such an awful manner. Obviously, this has remained somewhere in my memories all these years. I mentioned elsewhere how when I am down, I start to list all the mistakes I think I have made over the years. This is old baggage that is attempting to show me just how imperfect and unlovable I am. Thank goodness I have come to recognize this merry-go-round and can get off quite quickly. I do wish that I could finally be done with this “mistakes” business once and for all and never have to deal with it again, but alas, it remains a stain from the past.

When I worked at the cabinet shop, I was, as always, a very hard worker, and a very good cabinet maker if I can say so myself. I was always given the most challenging projects and I always did them under the allotted time. One year, while at the cabinet shop they decided that all employees would receive an employee review. During my review, they said that I spent too much time ensuring that the cabinets were clean before shipping. They also said that I was rigid, that I didn’t seem open to trying different methods. Needless to say, I felt judged unfairly and I was livid – at least on the inside. This review bothered me so much that I went to a former Safeway manager, someone whom I befriended, and explained to him what had happened. I needed him to talk me down off the edge. I explained how I always completed tasks below the allotted time and how I felt it was professional to send out cabinets in the manner I would want if it was me at the receiving end. We didn’t talk about the being rigid business, but I will mention that further along. Mr. B. explained to me that some managers operate on the belief that they must find something wrong so that the employee is sparked to do better. That never works for me! Mr. B. said that he was of the mindset that if a worker was doing well, he would say so and tell them to keep up the great work. Of course, his counsel made me feel better. I was reassured again, and thankful that I had worked for him in my early years at Safeway. Mr. B. was a good manager, he expected everyone to work hard, to earn their hourly rate, but he was approachable too, in a good way. All his workers called him Mr. B. (full last name) and all those under him felt that he was deserving of that respectful moniker. I remained friends with Mr. B. until his death many years later. When Denise came into my life, she and I would visit him and his wife at their home.

As for the rigid business, I knew that the powers that be in the cabinet shop wanted to make it more assembly line production. I liked the more skilled maker atmosphere it had always been. I didn’t want to see the artistry of it all taken away. And yes, when I find a way that works, whether making a complex cabinet, or loading a dishwasher, I stick with it. I think my spatial perception gift makes this the driving force, and for me, it works. That is not to say that I can’t change, but it is not without good reason, and at times, with much coaxing on my part. Sometimes I even find that a change is well deserved, and I wonder why I didn’t do it sooner. A lesson learned, to be sure.

Some of the other beliefs that were sparked in me while reading the worksheets are as follows:

• There are more good people in the world than bad people. This makes me feel secure and that the world is unfolding in a manner conducive to good mental health – providing we don’t focus on the bad, like the media would have us do.
• I am an acceptable and lovable being – as much as I doubt this time and again.
• My success is not defined by my financial status, as hard as that is to believe at times – That said, my success is defined by who I am as a person and what I offer in that realm. I am a success because of the growth I have made on my journey of recovery and how I treat others. I can usually see that my beliefs in this realm are right, and that is quite different than what the unhealthy component of mainstream society would have us believe.

The worksheet continues with some discussion about symptoms of one’s beliefs – do they feel anxiety or depression from the belief, do they feel hopeful and at peace from the belief. The worksheet digs deep with respect to symptoms, where one’s symptoms can be viewed by oneself as positive or negative – such as “my symptoms keep me safe and help me cope with things,” or “I will always have these symptoms.” When I read this section, I thought that there is a fine line between the positive belief being useful on one hand, and not so helpful on the other. Take for instance the anxiety felt from fear. Is the fear warranted, or is it rooted in a false sense of needing protection? Maybe that fear is healthy when danger lurks, but it’s not healthy if it keeps one isolated and keeps one from doing things they need to. In these cases, I am often reminded of the title of one of Susan Jeffers’ books – Feel the Fear… and Do It Anyway. Good sound advice, as I have seen through experience. That title has become one of my often-used mantras.

Like it was for Thought Challenging, although one may need to dig deeper, one must recognize and challenge their beliefs, one must examine their beliefs, and one must do something helpful to address the beliefs that needs to be changed or tweaked – so it becomes a positive force in one’s life, something that helps one feel better, be happier, etc.

One of the things I like best in these worksheets was the way they suggested examining beliefs. They said to ask, “It is helpful to consider whether they would be happy for someone they cared about to have the same belief.” Excellent! In addition, they said, “to consider: Is it a helpful belief? Is there strong evidence for the belief? Is it a fair belief? Is the belief accurate?” They also suggested to be on the lookout for absolutes. A basic examination, yes, but a very good way to question oneself and one’s beliefs. I am of the mindset that this can be a continual daily thing, after all we spend each day acting on beliefs. Step 10 of Al-Anon comes to mind – Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

Isn’t that the key!? To keep vigil over one’s thoughts and beliefs. Question and probe – find out what one believes and be open to change. As I always say, awareness is the key to life!

It has been so worthwhile reexamining these things I have looked at all through my journey to see if what I believe still applies, or if it reveals that one or more beliefs need to be tweaked or even abandoned.

How do you examine your beliefs? How have your beliefs changed over the years? What is your deepest held belief – does it help or hinder being happy?

Donald B. Cheke – Saskatoon, SK