Today, we are going to look at a topic that many people will identify with, or likely will in the future. The topic is caring for elderly people, specifically adult children caring for elderly parents. I will use my own case as the subject matter.
I have given much thought to this topic, especially lately, because a big change has been set in motion, and some tough decisions have been made. I will elaborate further along. I wanted to write about eldercare here in this blog post, because this is how I journal – while sharing my experience, strength and hope. As always, I will be as positive as I can even though I will share some of the struggles too.
Because my mother reads all my blog posts, not online, but when I send them to her in a large font email, I wondered whether or not to share this one with her since she is the topic of this story, in part anyway. At first, I thought that I better not show her but realized that if I forewarned her and reminded her that she had her own struggles with eldercare with her own mother, and one of her brothers, she should be fine. I’ll decide for sure when it is fully written.
I am also worried about sharing this blog post online because I have two brothers who live in a neighboring province who have allowed my wife, Denise, and me to care for Mom without interference, as is not the case in some families. They too, read my blog, so I worried that they might take something I say in a negative way. As you will see further along, we do have a good relationship and when the big change was imminent, they stepped up, ready to take the reins as needed.
So, let’s look at my mom, and talk about when she started to require eldercare and what that has looked like over the years.
Both Denise and I believe that the decline began 15 years ago, when Mom fell backwards down a set of stairs leading into her friend’s condo. She landed badly and snapped the upper bone in her left arm right in half. Seeing her in the hospital afterward, her arm flopping like you can’t imagine, was so bizarre. We asked if it hurt and she said not really. In my mind, this was when we realized that either Mom didn’t feel such things, or she had a high pain-tolerance threshold, as we would see again and again through the coming years.
Then there was breast cancer, with typical treatments such as radiation and surgery. There was knee surgery in there somewhere along the way, both knees, and a heart attack which required stents. Somewhere in the mix was an emergency hospitalization for three pulmonary embolisms. Eventually, Mom needed cataract surgery for both eyes, and then hearing aids – for the ears, not the eyes. 😊 Further along, Mom developed macular degeneration which required more eye shots than you can imagine. Thankfully, Mom’s treatment for this has been working and they have now been able to stretch the eye shots to once every eleven weeks, and only in her right eye. She reminds me every time how much she hates getting the eye shot, but knows it is for her own wellbeing, and goes along as needed. I had my first laser eye treatment recently and can identify with having someone muck around with your eyes. I have not needed eye shots, and having experienced that with Mom, I never want to, as you can well imagine.
Although Mom went through all the above with her typical fear response, I think she handled it all well enough.
I often thank the God I don’t believe in that Mom has not suffered from Dementia. Sure, she has lost some of her filters, and her short-term memory doesn’t seem to be as good, but one can easily have a good conversation with her if one asks specific questions to keep her on track. She also remains a source of history with her long-term memory still mostly intact. If one just lets her rattle on, one will hear a short repertoire of what she ate that day, what was happening in the Villa where she lives, and what her aches and pains are – and what she requires in the way of needs. Again, this has been a process over the years, with it getting worse over the years, as one would expect.
In mid-2022, Denise and I helped Mom locate to a new apartment-style residence. She still lived independently, but the Villa, as we call it, supplied four suppers per week as part of her rent, and she had the option to pay for more meals, which she did so on most days. The Villa is a popular place for the aging to live and they have many activities to join in on. Think cards, bingo, visiting choirs, senior presentations, and so forth. The Villa has an attached chapel and Mom could go there if desired. It is Ukrainian Catholic, so not Mom’s typical choice. She is/was always more likely to go to an online Catholic mass or attend a local church if a friend picked her up. The Villa has been a very good place for Mom.
Let’s talk now about how this whole eldercare business has affected Denise and me, and later we will look at what changes are in the works for Mom.
For the first 11 years of Mom’s required eldercare Denise provided most of the care. Mom liked the female companionship and liked it when Denise would sit in on all her doctor visits. I liked the fact that Denise did all this because it meant that someone else was looking after her, and I didn’t have to. That’s not to say that I didn’t help where I could – like doing the “man” stuff – fixing the computer, the TV, etc. It is my deep belief that Mom could easily manipulate Denise and had her doing so many things that I often tried to convince Denise to establish some boundaries. I won’t elaborate on that because I don’t want to blame and accuse Mom or Denise. In the last 4 years when Denise was the primary caregiver I could see how the ”job” was completely beating her down. We spent many hours venting and comforting each other. As you may know, any grief Denise feels, I feel too, as “her person.” In those last years, I begged Denise many times to let me take over, but she refused in her own loving way, and I had to let her do it her way.
It was maybe 3 – 3-1/2 years ago when Denise finally broke down, and when I offered to take on the role as primary, she said yes. Her Parkinson’s disease was finally confirmed and she realized through her own grief that she could not look after Mom. At that point she could barely face her own future.
When I took over the primary role and broke the news to Mom, she took it well enough, but she still calls Denise every day and at times tries to manipulate Denise into doing something, or more recently having Denise bring Emma in the car, so Emma can help Mom. I always thought that due to Mom’s elder progression that she wasn’t conscious of the manipulation, but Mom has admitted that she can and does manipulate, if only in the subtlest ways. Denise, with her kind and loving heart, is very susceptible. I am not so easily manipulated as I do not feel responsible for Mom. She is her own person and I insist in my own gentle way that she does for herself whatever she can do. For instance, I won’t let her hold on to me when we go out to places – I can barely keep myself upright most of the time. If there comes a time when she can’t manage with a cane or a walker, then I say it’s time to stay home or find a service that can provide for that need. “Detach with love” is a good slogan to keep in mind.
As time passed, Mom’s needs grew and grew. Eventually, I was driving her to all her appointments, except when I said that she could take a cab, like when she had to go the two or three blocks over to the blood lab at the mall. That was my way of helping her continue to be somewhat independent. After all, it is/was far less timely and cheaper than having me come. Still, there were loads of doctor’s appointments which became more plentiful as time passed. I often thought, and heard from others in similar situations, that this doctoring business was now part of their social life. Gosh, how often do you have to go when the doctor keeps telling you there is nothing wrong, that the aches and pains are just part of aging. I also started to get Mom’s groceries when I took the lead. Denise always took Mom when she was primary, but I would not. I had Mom email me her grocery list every couple of weeks. I would pay for them and Mom would give me a check, or more recently have me do an e-transfer from her computer while I also dealt with her continual computer issues. While there, I would also change her hearing aid filters and attend to any other issues, like TV soundbar troubles, phone issues, and CPAP concerns. I could name many other needs that I had to address, but I am sure you can imagine it. If you can imagine it, multiply that by three, and that will be closer.
At some point early on, when I took on the role, Mom started to provide an extra 15 or 20 dollars to cover gas costs or allow me to treat myself. As far as I can determine, she started this when my older brother told her that she should be paying her way after a telephone conversation they had. I appreciated that, since it was costly driving her all over the place. Denise was not impressed, as Mom never did that for all the previous years. I think Mom bought Denise a gas gift card a couple of times, so that was something, but not nearly enough. I only mention this, because it can become a huge financial burden for those with limited funds. I know, because Denise and I are certainly not rolling in it, and we always noticed the extra costs.
For the last few years, Mom has also had a flip phone which was a waste of money. She wanted it so when she was out, she could call a taxi or was having an emergency. Sadly, she could never really manage it. A case in point is that even when out for her blood work at the mall, she would have someone at a store call her a cab, since she could never hear through the phone properly. I don’t know how many times Denise and I checked out the phone only to find it was fine. The landline too. I must have replaced that a half-dozen times trying to find a more user friendly one, even adding a booster for the hard of hearing. Poor Mom could never figure out any of the basics like clearing messages, and other such things. Yep, I got the call(s) to come over and do it.
Mom always had troubles with her remotes for the TV as well. On a funny note, my brother, Dave, once sent me a picture of two hand-held remotes. They had all the buttons taped over, except for the two volume buttons and the up and down channel selector. I think the tag line was “senior proofed.” So funny! Anyone dealing with eldercare gets that!
Mom liked the idea of having a flip phone because all her friends had mobiles. For the last couple years Mom has been going on about wanting a smart phone, and both Denise and I refused to get her one, and not just because of the additional cost – money she didn’t have. Mom can barely use the computer for her email and her banking, oh, and her Facebook account. She cannot do the simplest things, like logging into her Microsoft account when it locks her out of her email, which happens when there is an Office update. I put Mom on my MS Office plan when she retired so she could continue to use Outlook, like she did when she worked. You may find it funny to note that when Mom needed a different computer, we found one of the last laptops in town that still had Windows 7. We didn’t think she could manage the newer operating system that had come out. I only mention this kind of stuff to point out that there are so many things involved when one is the primary caregiver, things that people who are not in this position can’t possibly imagine. Just wait until you have to check out their body to help figure out what they cannot see, due to lack of mobility. I always left that part to Denise, because a son does not want to see his mom’s breasts or groin. 😊 That would be something one could not unsee!
These last paragraphs don’t sound too bad, but believe me, the neediness got relentless, as Denise and I often said when we were at our wits end. Day after day of emails and phone calls with list after list. It got to the point that when I saw it was an email from Mom I immediately thought – what does she need now! Some days I felt very resentful, and even though I tried to deal with it without getting mad at Mom, there were times when I felt that I was not as patient as I would have liked to be. There were so many times when I would think, Geez Don, why can’t you just take it all in stride. As Denise’s needs grew, due to her own health, and mine too, having to deal with Mom’s care just became too much.
On a slightly different note, I must say that I hated being called Mom’s caregiver, or IT guy, by her or anyone else. I never wanted those roles and how it sounded like I was personally responsible for her. To balance that in my mind, I would say to myself that she is not my responsibly, but I accept the task because I am a loving person, and I do care about my mom. I remember many chats with my older brother and how he was impressed that I didn’t get so caught up in mom’s neediness, if that’s the right word. I did do alright most of the time, but it was not unheard of for me to vent at length while alone with Denise. The need to vent became more often as the years went by, and especially in the last two.
Things became critical on Tuesday (12th) of this month. Denise and I saw significant deterioration with Mom over the last couple of months, with excessive complaints about aches and pains, and a loss of interest in things, such as eating and participating in Villa activities. Mom could never describe any of her current issues in detail. She would just say things like, “I don’t know, I just feel sore, or tired, or not hungry.” On the date mentioned above Denise and Emma decided that they would take Mom to her medical clinic without first making an appointment with her doctor, a walk-in in other words, which would mean a long wait time. On the way there they decided that the clinic would either be inadequate or they would send her to the hospital anyway, so they changed the plan and took her to the emergency department at the hospital.
While at the hospital, it was discovered that Mom was severely dehydrated, so much so that kidney problems had developed. After steps were taken to rehydrate her, she rallied quite a bit, and her kidneys perked up to a point where the doctors were not concerned at all. Medically, they discovered that she had bed sores on her lower back from sitting endlessly in her senior’s easy-lift chair, and they discovered that she had a bladder infection, both of which they treated. Other than that, they could not find anything more that would explain her lack of eating and drinking, and her lack of ambition. The doctors didn’t say, but both Denise and I felt that she might be clinically depressed. Hopefully that will be looked at down the road.
At this point, both Denise and I felt that the time had come for big changes. We both felt that if Mom went back home, she would slip right back into the same place that brought her to the hospital in the first place. We decided at the same time that she would require additional care that she simply could not afford. What to do, we wondered.
While in the hospital recuperating, Denise and I contacted Client Patient Access Services (CPAS) at the hospital and they confirmed that Mom required level 3 care at home, or in a private personal care home. They supplied a package with information about various homes and information about subsidies. After digging deep into this, I found that due to Mom’s financial mess, the challenges seemed insurmountable. It was at this point that I decided that what she needed was beyond me. I had no idea what could be done, and the people I asked just didn’t offer enough clear answers. After much discussion with Denise, I said that we will just have to turn her over to Social Services and let them deal with it. I didn’t want to do this but felt there was no other choice.
Once I started to process this decision, I included my two brothers in an email chain about what I was going to do, including a Caregiver Statement I was going to give to CPAS and a copy of Mom’s current financial state that Dee and I put together. At one point, to clarify, I said that what I was about to do was basically like turning Mom over to the Foster Care system. Because my brothers are in a neighboring province, and Denise and I had always provided Mom’s additional care without them interfering, I just assumed we had to make the decision alone. I don’t know why I felt that, because they have always been supportive fellows and have always appreciated that Denise and I were here looking after Mom. I also knew that none of us Cheke boys are rolling in dough, so figured they would not be able to help.
The day before I was going to pass my statement on to CPAS, my younger brother replied to the email chain and said that he could support Mom in many ways and was prepared to do so. Doug offered to take on the role of primary caregiver and I was so relieved to hear this. I didn’t know at that point what his plan was, but that Mom would not become a ward of Social Services, was music to my ears. I love and care about my mother, but I just couldn’t/can’t bear the load that she now requires.
Doug spent many years working in the world of non-profits, and I noted right away that he has the ability to navigate this crazy world of eldercare. I am helping with the transition, of course, but Doug has taken the reins and will see it through and will continue to do so with the help of his husband, Kal, and our older brother Dave, who has offered to help Doug where he can. Denise and I will step away completely from Mom’s eldercare once the transition is complete. Denise and I will continue to be part of Mom’s life, but more like friends, as opposed to caregivers.
Through the planning and loving hands of Doug, Mom was discharged from the hospital on the morning of the 27th, and was transported to a temporary private care home, until Doug can find a permanent care home.
Below is a picture I took of Mom after she was rehydrated and two days before her discharge and move to the temporary private care home where she can stay up to 30 days, free of charge. You can see that she has rallied pretty well, but not enough to sustain independent living. Note the list she is compiling! I just noticed this as I was doing the final review of this post. 😊
Mom – May 25, 2026, at RUH – Photo by Don Cheke
Denise and I met Mom at the care home. We brought many of her personal belongings that she will require, as she would anywhere. We helped her put her clothes away and the care home aids said that they would look after the rest. We had a tour of the care home and felt that it was a great place to land, even as the temporary placement.
I don’t know how Doug will work out all the required finances but I have faith and trust that he will. Doug will continue to take next steps as required. He has been so professional and kind while dealing with everything, and he understands fully why Denise and I must step away from the caregiving aspects. During the transition, I will of course, help where I can. Doug asked today if I would visit prospective care homes when he locates possibilities and sets up appointments for us to visit. I said yes, that Denise and I would go together, but that I would not take Mom along. Mom will just have to trust that we will pick a good home for her, which I know she will. Speaking of that, Mom has been very cooperative during this whole crisis. She knows that she can no longer manage independent living. She will move forward with fear, as she has always done, but she will move forward without much fuss. We are very lucky in that regard, as you hear of so many elderly parents that are not helpful or easy at all.
Our friends and family have been very supportive, understanding our need to step away from Mom’s caregiving. That has made this confusing time so much easier. The road would have been much uglier had Doug not stepped forward with his gift of love.
I will write a new blog post when I have details of the next steps. Scary and exciting, I would say as I wrap this one up.
Thanks for taking time to share this journey with me.
Donald B. Cheke – Saskatoon, SK