In today’s blog post, I will be sharing the current state of my mother’s eldercare – what changes have come about and what realizations have been made.
Further along in the blog post, I will share my experiences with setting boundaries with regards to early family roles, and my recent caregiver role change.
In my previous blog post, Eldercare Part 2, published on June 6, 2026, I wrote about Mom’s move to Warm & Cozy, a temporary care home, following a hospital stay brought on by her declining health. At that point, she was nine days into her 30-day stay. While she was there, Denise and I visited several private care homes that my brother Doug had found and arranged viewing appointments for. As I mentioned in Part 2, none of those options felt suitable. After some family discussion, we decided that Mom would return to her independent living residence at St. Volodymyr Villa while waiting for an opening at The Terrace, the attached semi-independent living residence. Before Mom returned home, my brother Doug arranged the additional care she would need.
At this point, Doug has been making almost all of the decisions about Mom’s care, and Denise and I usually hear about them through Mom’s daily conversations with Denise. This is as it should be. When Denise and I were the primary caregivers, my brothers never interfered, so now we feel it is only right that we do not interfere either – especially since we no longer wanted the responsibility. We trust Doug and know that he has Mom’s best interests at heart. To be honest, it was hard to turn over the reins completely at first, but since Mom’s transition back to her residence, it has become easier – and appreciated.
It took a bit of experimentation, including another hospital visit after an accidental prescription overdose, to figure out exactly what Mom required on a daily basis. Thankfully, with the help of Home Care, that has been cleared up.
Mom currently receives several visits per day from Home Care, a branch of the Saskatchewan Health Authority. These visits include:
- A morning visit from a nurse to dispense her medications, as well as a visit from a care aide to give her a sponge bath, help her put on her compression stockings, and help her get dressed.
- An afternoon visit from a nurse to dispense pain medication (Tylenol). This was introduced after Mom began forgetting that she had already taken her morning dose and was taking the afternoon dose, which had previously been left out for her, much too soon.
- An evening visit from a nurse to dispense her medications, as well as a visit from a care aide to remove her compression stockings and help her get ready for bed.
Other care items Doug has arranged, which require a fee, include:
- Drivers to take Mom to her various appointments, which are usually with one type of doctor or another.
- A domestic worker who comes every two weeks to do Mom’s laundry and clean her place.
- A spa bath at the Villa every Tuesday and Friday. Mom loves this!
- For groceries, Mom gives Doug her list, and he orders everything online from Save-On-Foods, which delivers for a very small fee.
Based on what I have seen and in discussions between Mom and Denise, I can attest to the fact that Mom continues to decline. Most of it is nothing new, but the effects are becoming much more pronounced.
Fade to Black – Created by Don Cheke
The biggest change we have seen in Mom is her declining eyesight. I noticed while Mom was in the temporary care home that the stories she relayed about things she saw out her window were suspect. She claimed several times to have seen hordes of BMX bike riders in the nearby cul-de-sac – ramps and all. Another time it was horses, and another time it was a drone, although she didn’t know the name for it. After hearing these stories, I decided one day to knock on the doors of some of the cul-de-sac residents. One resident who answered confirmed my suspicions that no such things were happening. In my mind, I thought she must be hallucinating because of her macular degeneration – like seeing rabbits or other animals in the clouds. After some further investigation into macular degeneration, I was certain she was suffering from Charles Bonnet syndrome. This occurs when significant vision loss causes a drop in visual data being sent to the brain; in response, the brain’s visual cortex becomes hyperactive and generates its own spontaneous images. It is not due to mental illness. This was confirmed again at her last eye injection appointment with her eye doctor.
The feature image, the editorial cartoon seen above, was my attempt to illustrate some of the things Mom has said she feels, as well as the things Denise and I have both noticed.
The wavy lines over Loafia’s family indicate, or are signs of, her macular degeneration. This, along with the title, Fade to Black, illustrates the heartbreaking loss of her eyesight. It is so obvious that she is having trouble when you try to get her to look at a picture or something similar. The large black hole in Loafia’s chest represents the “hole in the soul.” We saw this feature in an earlier cartoon, where Loaf was explaining to Little Loaf how we all have, or carry, our own hole in the soul. In the case of Loaf and Little Loaf, the hole was much smaller.
When I was thinking about what the callout for Loafia would say, I had a long discussion about it with Denise. I asked her to tell me some of the things Mom had shared with her in recent conversations. Here is a list of those things:
- I feel like a kid again, not being trusted with my own meds. (They are locked in a cupboard above the fridge where she cannot reach them.)
- I’ve already given up so much. (Outings with friends and face-to-face Al-Anon meetings.)
- I can’t trust what I see any longer. (Macular degeneration is incurable and only getting worse.)
- I’m afraid that this is the end. (A natural fear of dying.)
- My computer is acting up again; I might need to give that up. (One of her last freedoms: email and Zoom Al-Anon meetings.)
- I’m glad that all the rugs have been removed so I don’t have to worry about tripping on them. (One of the few positives.)
- I am ready to go to The Terrace, where there are more supports. (Who knows when this will happen, given the waiting list?)
Of course, I summed all this up with, “How much more will I be asked to give up?”
Just thinking about Mom’s losses and her future brings tears to my eyes. I know that what she is experiencing will come to us all in one form or another, but that does not make it any easier for her or for those who love her. All we can do is support her as best we can. For Denise and me, that now means supporting her as friends rather than as caregivers. My brothers, too, will continue to support her in whatever ways they can. In this regard, I am especially grateful for all that Doug has been doing. I have no idea how he is making it work financially, but he assured me when the change in caregiver roles began that he would sort it out, even if it meant supplying funds himself. Thank you, Doug – a truly selfless act!
Let’s talk about boundaries now.
Whenever a person decides to make changes or set boundaries, as I have done by stepping away from the caregiver role and saying no to further requests to help Mom, there is always the risk of upsetting the status quo.
Dad Therapy – Created by Don Cheke
Setting boundaries can have a real and difficult impact on relationships, often creating hardship for the person setting them and tension among those involved. For both Denise and me, the support from friends and most extended family members has been positive. They understand that the change in caregiver roles was not made lightly and that it was done for valid reasons. Even Mom has been on board with the change, knowing it was necessary. Although she continued to ask both Denise and me to do things for her, those requests have finally tapered off since Doug put so many healthcare supports in place. To be honest, I have not seen Mom very much as I continue to adapt, but I know that Denise and Mom talk every day, often more than once. The calls are even more frequent than they were before, but I no longer worry that Mom will pull Denise back into the caregiver role. Denise has learned, and is still learning, the value of maintaining her own boundaries, which helps her stay detached while continuing to love the old girl. And trust me, it can be very hard, especially when Mom is saddened by her current state and expresses how difficult it is to have to ask for help with things she can no longer do for herself. As an empathetic person, I can certainly understand how she must feel.
Going into the change – giving up the caregiver role – I assumed that my brothers and I would sail through without issues or family drama. Doug and I have maintained a good relationship, even though he has had to put in so much effort into his new caregiver role. On the other hand, I feel as though I have lost my older brother. While it is hard not to speculate or assign blame, I will simply say that I was surprised to find that we were on the outs. My attempts to maintain or rekindle our previous good relationship have left me feeling foolish for trying. It is my hope that we can find our way back to one another down the road, but at this point I do not feel that he is open to it, and I am still feeling hurt.
I have had a great deal of experience with setting boundaries, especially in my early days of recovery when I no longer wanted to be the family scapegoat. I don’t want to dive back into all of that here, as I have written about it in other blog posts over the last couple of years and in my memoir. Suffice it to say that setting those boundaries created some family drama. Whether the family eventually came to accept the new me, or whether I simply stopped playing my previous part, I cannot say with complete certainty. What I do know is that I was finally able to abandon that dysfunctional family role.
When I was thinking about boundaries and writing about them here, I couldn’t remember whether there was a popular psychological term, or a psychological phenomenon, that described what happens when someone sets personal boundaries. I decided to ask CoPilot AI for the missing term or phenomenon but ended up asking a more expanded question with examples. I liked the response so much that I decided to share the conversation in full. Here is that conversation.
Me:
I’m not sure phenomenon is the right word, but is there a psychological phenomenon or term that describes what happens when someone sets a personal boundary and those affected by it push back – sometimes extremely so – to try to get the boundary setter to buckle, remove the boundary, and return things to how they were? For instance, when a person has been the family scapegoat and, after time in recovery, takes steps or creates a boundary so they are no longer used in that way. Or let’s say someone has been the primary caregiver for an aging parent and steps away due to their own health, thereby making other family members feel as though they need to step in. They may then let you know they are not happy about it or even make things difficult by being harsh or giving the cold shoulder. I hope that all makes sense. (Afterthought: Keep in mind that I am not blaming my family. I am simply using my current caregiver boundary as an example of what could happen.)
CoPilot:
Don, what you’re describing absolutely is a recognized psychological pattern — several, in fact — and you’re not imagining it. When someone who has long been assigned a role (scapegoat, caretaker, peacekeeper, emotional shock absorber) finally sets a boundary, the system around them often reacts with pushback, escalation, or punishment.
The clearest umbrella term for this is homeostasis in family systems — the tendency of a dysfunctional system to fight any change that threatens the status quo. When you stop playing the role, the system tries to pull you back in.
More specifically, the reactions you’re describing map onto three well‑documented dynamics:
- Extinction Burst — when a long‑rewarded pattern (you absorbing blame, you caregiving) is suddenly interrupted, others escalate their behavior to force the old pattern to return.
- Narcissistic or Family System Homeostasis — dysfunctional families maintain stability by keeping roles fixed; when the scapegoat steps out, the system destabilizes and lashes out.
- Boundary Testing / Boundary Retaliation — people who benefited from your lack of boundaries often react with anger, guilt‑tripping, coldness, or punishment when you finally set one.
These sources describe how scapegoats who resist their assigned role are often met with criticism, distancing, or blame, because the family system is organized around maintaining the status quo. They also explain how narcissistic or emotionally immature family systems escalate pressure when someone threatens the family narrative by asserting autonomy or naming dysfunction.
To make this more practical — and to give you something you can use when you’re navigating these reactions — here’s a clear, step‑by‑step guide for holding your boundary when others push back.
When You Set a Boundary and Others Push Back
A practical, relationship‑focused guide for staying steady
01 – Name the Pattern Calmly (Sensitive)
Pushback is a predictable reaction to changing long‑standing roles.
Say: “I understand this change feels uncomfortable. But this boundary is important for my well‑being.”
- Remind yourself: their discomfort does not mean your boundary is wrong
- Notice escalation (cold shoulder, guilt, anger) as a sign the system is adjusting
- Ground yourself before responding so you don’t get pulled back into the old role
02 – Restate the Boundary Without Defending It (Key Conversation)
Boundaries don’t require justification — only clarity and consistency.
Say: “I’m not able to take on that role anymore. I know that’s a change, but it’s not something I can continue doing.”
- Keep your wording simple and repeatable
- Avoid over‑explaining; it invites debate
- Use “I” statements to stay anchored in your needs
03 – Expect an Extinction Burst (Prepare)
People often escalate when the old pattern stops working.
Say: “I hear that you’re upset. Even so, my decision stands.”
- Expect temporary increases in guilt‑tripping or coldness
- Recognize this as a transition, not a failure
- Hold steady — escalation usually fades when the boundary holds
04 – Redirect Responsibility Back to the System
You are not responsible for managing others’ reactions to your boundary.
Say: “I trust that everyone will find a way to adjust. I’m not able to step back into that role.”
- Let them feel their feelings without trying to fix them
- Encourage shared responsibility instead of absorbing it
- Offer realistic alternatives only if you genuinely want to
05 – Stay Connected Without Re‑Entering the Role
You can maintain relationship while refusing the old dynamic.
Say: “I care about you. And this boundary is part of how I take care of myself.”
- Keep interactions warm but firm
- Don’t reward boundary‑testing by giving in
- Let consistency do the work — people adapt when the boundary doesn’t move
Why this happens (in plain language)
People who benefited from your old role — consciously or not — experience your boundary as a loss of convenience, control, or emotional labor. The pushback is not proof that your boundary is wrong; it’s proof that it’s working.
In dysfunctional systems, the scapegoat or the over‑functioning caregiver is often the person who sees the truth most clearly and who eventually steps out of the role. When they do, the system reacts with criticism, distancing, or blame because it threatens the family’s stability. And in narcissistic or emotionally immature systems, autonomy or individuation is often reframed as betrayal, leading to intensified pressure to return to the old role.
The heart of it
What you’re describing makes perfect sense — and it’s not only real, it’s predictable. You’re not being “difficult.” You’re disrupting a pattern that was never fair to you in the first place.
If you’d like, we can explore how to apply this to your specific situation, or even how to express this boundary through your art, which feels very aligned with your reflective style.
(CoPilot lists Simple Psychology and Psychology Today as its sources.)
I remember so well doing much of what CoPilot listed above when I was stepping away from the scapegoat role. It was indeed difficult, but well worth the effort. As for the change in caregiver roles, the outcome has mostly been positive, and I have seen recovery in action within my family – especially in Doug, who clearly understands what setting boundaries is all about. While inserting and rereading the conversation above, I noted to myself that Doug could have written much of what CoPilot had, and I am so grateful for his support and understanding.
I hope my openness about the current eldercare situation and the subject of boundaries has been informative, and that you can identify with what has been discussed. I also hope that my vulnerability about the current state of my family relationships is not received negatively. I did feel, however, that it was important to be honest and to show that even those with decades of recovery can still be faced with such things. That said, I am grateful that things have worked out as well as they have. I am also happy that I made the changes I needed to make, changes that have been mostly positive, even though moving through them was stressful.
Donald B. Cheke – Saskatoon, SK