Bi-Weekly Report

The Bi-Weekly Report cartoon was originally going to be a stand-alone comic for an upcoming comic interlude. It would have included an explanation of how it came to be, but I decided that it would be a great starter image for a full-length blog post. The shorter explanation was going to be that the cartoon pokes fun at old thinking, where men like to rule the roost. How men also love to explain stuff to their wives and children, and other things like that. Come to think of it, I believe women have come up with a term specifically for this. I believe it is called “mansplaining,” and I am sure it’s intended to be a positive and grateful term of endearment. At any rate, I think there is much we can discuss in this realm, so let’s dig in.

Loaf, although a somewhat typical man, with hopes and dreams of ruling the roost, is a failure at that, since he can’t help but be kind, gentle, and understanding. This is probably due to the fact that Loaf, like me, grew up with just a mother and her women friends from Al-Anon. No male role models anywhere to be found. Not always a bad thing, to be sure! By the way, Little Loaf only got an A-, because he is so young, and he should have to work a little harder to be as wise as his dad. 😊

Bi-Weekly Report Card Close-Up – Created by Don Cheke

When I made the Bi-Weekly cartoon, I thought it would be funny to make reference to a 10-Point Approach to ensure the family is well trained. At the time I had thought of a couple funny things, like ensuring fear and respect, and other BS from the past, when men really did try to rule their kingdom with an iron fist. But, after giving it more thought I began to think that it could actually become something positive and well worth saying. Since I have a great long-term marriage and a great relationship with my daughter I thought I could come up with ten things that I believe are important and play a huge part in maintaining the good relationships I have with them and them with me.

10-Point Approach Brochure Close-Up – Created by Don Cheke

1.
When Denise and I were planning on getting married, it was going to be in the Catholic church. At that time, all engaged couples were required to take marriage prep classes to ensure they had asked all the important questions and were entering the marriage with their eyes wide open. This was a good experience for us and although we had talked about many things, including money, the possibility of children, religious beliefs, and so forth, we both found it worthwhile to review it again and hear what the group leaders and visiting guest speakers had to say. It was interesting to note that many couples that were also attending at the time, had not discussed all these things in any great depth if they had at all. That alone was a good reminder of how important it was to take the course. People often balked that it was twelve weeks long, once a week for a couple hours, but they were reminded that it was a very small amount of time when pondering spending an entire lifetime with someone else. Do the math, I say, tongue in cheek. It is well worth the effort, in other words.

One of the guest speakers we had at one point was the Bishop at the time, Bishop Mahoney. He was a very fine man who I knew personally, since my mom was his personal executive secretary at the time he was there, and we had visited him much over the years. Of special note, my mom worked at the Saskatoon Catholic Diocese Chancery Office for 30 years, and Bishop Mahoney was the first of four bishops that passed through the Saskatoon office during her tenure. Bishop Mahoney was famous for his PPF talk, that is Put your Partner First. It was, and is, sound advice. If you always put your partners needs above your own, then one’s ego doesn’t get in the way, and one’s partner is raised to one of honor. This doesn’t mean that one must kowtow to unreasonable demands or give into to unreasonable or unacceptable behaviors, but it does mean that one needs to take one’s partners feelings, desires and needs into account, every step of the way. The PPF talk was very powerful and has remained upmost in our minds throughout our forty years together. The Bishop also said that we should never go to bed mad at each other, and if need be, be naked with each other when having these talks, thus being vulnerable and open, in a good way, to the other. I am often heard saying to Denise that her needs are paramount, and I truly mean it. It is easy with Denise, though, as she is the same with me, so we have very little struggles, that can’t be solved easily. Just a bit of communicating and reframing of one’s own thinking while getting there.

2.
One thing that Denise and I figured out early in our marriage, is an offshoot of PPF. We call it PUTS (pronounced putz or putzing), picking up the slack. Invariably throughout life, one partner, or the other, will encounter times when they are not up to snuff. That could be due to illness, stress at work that is causing depression or other struggles at home, or any number of other things. It is at this time when the partner who is not suffering does what they can to ease the burden of the loved one at home, be it taking on extra chores, being more understanding, that type of thing. Again, this must be done in a healthy manner, as one doesn’t want to be the one to always be picking up the slack, but it is, and should be, a loving and caring thing. If this all gets out of balance and resentments start to build, then additional help may be required, i.e. counselling or other therapy.

3.
Based on the last sentence of point 2, couples, and their family, must be open to seeking help though counselling services, self-help groups, and other avenues when appropriate. Life can be horrendously difficult and there are times when we are too confused, too enmeshed, or too stubborn to make any required changes. That said, one must seek help if they want to get through the difficulties, even if they have only the slightest inkling that the relationship is worth saving. That, or finding help to get out of the relationship with one’s sanity intact, in the worst-case scenario. Both Denise and I, as well as our daughter have sought help on many occasions. Aside from Denise and I being long time Al-Anon members, we have sought individual, as well as couple’s counselling several times over the years. We always felt our marriage was worth saving and always went the extra mile to figure out how to get past issues. Some of our issues have had to do with things that most, if not all, couples stress over. That includes money, when there is a difference of opinion on best spending practices, child rearing, especially when difficulties arise and different parenting styles cause grief. Denise and I doubled up the number of Al-Anon meetings we were attending weekly and took parenting classes at one time when our daughter was a teen and was causing us grief, as teenagers often do. I wanted to use the tough-love approach and Denise wanted to use the love-love approach, which I would eventually learn was always the best approach. Denise is right 99.9% of the time! When will I just accept that as fact? 😊 I suppose that it’s that .1%, that throws a wrench into my thinking, believing that maybe this time will be different. 👍 Both Denise and I have sought individual counselling when we have been having difficulties dealing with our own baggage from the past and want desperately to get a handle on it, so it doesn’t continue to cause personal or family stress. Even my daughter has gone to counselling several times over her life. This at times when she has struggled with friendships, her own anxiety and her own issues that came with her from her original birth family. Denise and I adopted Emma when she was almost eight months old, so she came with some baggage of her own that required a lot of extra love to help her along. Today, my baby is so wise in the ways that are important to maintaining a healthy psyche. I am so proud of the young adult, mother, and wife that she is!

4.
One of the most important things, in my mind, is being able to play. Play often includes teasing, but Denise and I learned long ago that teasing can have a double edge if one is not aware enough that anything has the potential to be hurtful if one doesn’t think before they speak. I remember times in the past when the previous generation would tease, but the intent, conscious or not, was to shame. Denise bore the brunt of much hurtful teasing about her thinness and her apparent boney knees and slightly outward pointing feet for years. At school she was often called bag-of-bones, which is bad but is often typical in the school environment where many brainless youths spew without thought. But it wasn’t just there, it was at home and with other relatives who would say mean things like she walked like a snow plow through the snow. That type of thing. Little things too like having too much soap in the sink while dishwashing, they say, “Did you use enough soap, thinking they are being funny,” all the while laughing themselves silly. Then they tell you that you are too sensitive when they find that you have hurt feelings and don’t have a clue why. In my book, shaming, or practical jokes are never funny for the one receiving it/them. My motto is, don’t do it, and think before you speak. If you mess-up, as we can all do, recognize it, and make amends right away, and mean it.

As I said, Denise and I play a lot. We have many routines we have picked up over the years and people would think us crazy if they were watching us. As I mentioned in other blog posts, Denise and I are fans of Fiddler on the Roof and we use the various lines from there quite freely, typically with the appropriate accents. One of my favorites is a scene where Motel has a new arrival (a sewing machine) and everyone has seen it, except Tevye. Golde starts to move him along and tells him he can see it another time, they don’t want to be late for the Sabbath. He’s already angry from other things that have happened in the day, so he gets tantrum mad and says, “Quiet woman, before I get angry, because when I get angry even flies don’t dare to fly!” Golde replies in a non-phased voice, “I’m very frightened of you. After we finish supper, I’ll faint!” Tevye then continues with, “Golde, I am the man in the house, I’m the head of the family and I want to see Motel’s new machine now!,” all the while making a scene like a bugged-out child. He storms into the shop, has the briefest of look at the machine and then storms out saying,” now let’s go home!” Of course it is me who gets the, “I’ll remember to faint after supper, when I am teasing about some man thing that I feel is worth pointing out. Of course, this is all in fun and it never gets tiresome.

We like to mimic Archie and Edith Bunker as well, more so Denise when I ask for a can of pop and she toddles over like Edith in All in the Family and says, “Here’s your beer Archie!” She does a perfect imitation, voice, and all. Gosh, she is just the BEST wife! 😊

Denise and I have so many things that we do for fun, and I find it interesting how well we mesh after so many years of being in our relationship. We are kind of like George and Gracie or Lucille and Desi, only better, because it is us.

One other thing we talk about or joke about is chasing each other around the kitchen island, playing catch me, catch me. We had mentioned this to my younger brother at some point and for some reason he found it absolutely hilarious. To this day he mentions it every now and again in a text to be sure to chase DeeDee around the island, stuff like that. I don’t know why he gets such a chuckle out of it, but he does and it’s fun just to remind him.

5.
I believe it is important to have separate interests and hobbies, but also important to take an interest in what the other likes and to partake in aspects of it when asked. For instance, Denise likes quilting and going to quilting stores and quilt shows when they occur once or twice a year. I always take an interest in what she is making, and I offer help with certain aspects if she runs into trouble – man stuff like pattern making and layout. I also go to the quilt shows because she likes me to come. I like being with her, so I don’t even mind the shows. I learned long ago that it is also better not to go to something with her, if it is something I don’t want to go to. For instance, clothes shopping for her. I don’t enjoy it and I knew early on that she rushes through when I am along because she thinks I am bored, or something like that. I too would feel that she was rushing just because I was along. Each of us, always wanting to guess and please the other with what we think it is they want. In the end we discussed our various feelings, and it was mutually decided that she should go alone in this case. In the past, I have known men who grudgingly go along and make the whole activity painful for their wife, or visa versa. I would never knowingly do that to her, so I was lucky to have a wife who could openly discuss such things and find a mutually beneficial way for such things.

Same for men too. It is very nice when one’s wife participates in a man’s interest, at least enough to come and see what he is up to and what brings him pleasure. For some it might be a guy who likes working on restoring cars in his garage. Maybe she brings him coffee and chats about what he is up to, or comes along with him to car shows, if that is something he does. It means so much to have the blessing and encouragement of one’s spouse or partner.

At this point, I must mention that I am the luckiest man in the world. Denise has always been the wind beneath my wings and has always supported me in everything I have done in my life. This includes my work world, my world of creativity, my recovery world, and so much more. Everything really, as I said. I try to do the same for her, and if I may say so, I think I do a pretty good job of it, since she is my world, and I still remember the PPF talk, just like it was yesterday.

6.
It is vital to do things together that you both enjoy, to spend quality time with each other. Denise and I do many things together that bring us much joy. At home, we have a small table where we sit and have tea and treats and discuss all manner of things. We call this table setting Amigos. It is a name derived from a local restaurant where she and her staff would attend on the occasional lunch out from school (teachers). One day, I just started to ask, “Do you want to meet at Amigos,” meaning our table at home and it just seemed to stick. We also play games like Scrabble or Yahtzee on occasion at Amigos. We have learned to not keep score, but to do it just for the fun of it and being together. We also have supper together every day while we watch a TV show that we both enjoy. It is like going to the movies every day. We may not talk much during the show, but we have the shared experience and talk about the themes of the show at other times of the day. Denise and I also love to go for drives and for picnics. We prefer country drives theses days because the highways are much smoother and less congested than the city streets. We also like day trips out to nearby towns where we see how they have survived time, and we almost always stop for a tailgate picnic. Sometimes we plan and pack a lunch, while other times we stop on the way out of town for chips and pop, oh, and chocolate bars. Just the day before I wrote these sentences, we went on a short trip to the town my mother grew up in and looked at the family graves in the local cemetery. When Denise and I were home, she told my mom of our trip. Mom said that this was the day that grandma died 37 years earlier. I had no idea that this is where we were heading that day, and of course grandma’s date of death had not crossed our minds. We didn’t even notice it on the gravestone. Happening to go there and on that very day, was something straight out of the Twilight Zone. Very bizarre, indeed! It was a beautiful day, the first of many more to come, since spring is finally here. 👍

7.
It is important to find ways to make cohabitation go smoother. Luckily for Denise and me, we both love a clean and tidy house. When we were younger, we would both clean the house from top to bottom every Saturday and continued to do that into our old age when we decided it was time to hire a cleaning person to come at least once every couple of weeks. Now we have a gal come once a month just to give it the big once-over and to do the stuff that we both find way too hard. Who can get down on their knees to scrub the floor anymore? Not us, that is for sure. Our daughter was not like us when she lived at home, and we let her have her room in the state she let it get too. After all, it was her space, and she was allowed to be her own person. Clothes everywhere, didn’t seem to bother her, and if it ever started to drive Denise and I crazy, we would just close her door. Some folks might balk at that, but we figured there was no point sweating the small stuff, as that saying goes. We have known a few couples over the years who do not mesh in this regard, and I know it has caused trouble for them. Whether they divorced because of that specifically, or other things, who can say, but I know it can be a problem for some. Again, my solution would be counselling to find a way through it and to live comfortably with it. This would be a tough one I imagine to sort through. Like I said, Denise and I were on the same page in this regard, so we didn’t have trouble in this area.

8.
Keep the promise to love! Staying in love with someone year after year can be challenging. Sometimes it’s hard to like them, let alone love them, especially if they have hurt your feelings or did something to mangle the trust you once had in them. Denise and I have always known that we were a good fit and that our relationship has always been worth working at. There were a couple times in our marriage when I briefly wanted to run away and thought about separation and divorce. Both times were when we were having issues with our daughter’s decisions, not unlike decisions most of us chose in our youth. As I said earlier, our differing views on how to handle parenting was stressful, to say the least. On two occasions I went out in the winter and walked for miles hoping that I would freeze to death. Once I walked so far that there would be no way I could get back. I happened across a phone booth at a highway gas station. It was closed but had a phone booth outside. Luckily, I had one quarter in my pocket and was able to phone Denise and have her pick me up. She did, bless her loving soul! Another time, in the summer, I walked so far that I could not walk another step and found myself sitting on the side of the grid road I was on wondering how I would get home. Before that point I had come across a farm and asked the fellow outside if I could use his phone. He said no but did tell me that if I kept going there was a service station about a mile further along. He must have felt guilty, because after I walked a ways, he drove up and offered me his phone to make the call. It must have been very early days of cell phones – probably the big brick of a phone, if I recall, which of course I don’t. At any rate, I called home, but no one was there to answer. I said thanks to the farmer and carried on until I finally could move no more. After I recovered sufficiently, I made my way to the service station. By the time I arrived, and called, Denise answered and came to get me. She was still mad at me, but her love won out yet again. On one final occasion I left the house mad and went to see what it would cost to rent an apartment. It was way too much money, so that was not an option. I went home and Denise and I did what we needed to get our relationship back on track. I am sure that this is the point I mentioned earlier where we doubled up our meeting attendance and took parenting classes. It worked, and we are still together. Thank goodness!

Every year when our anniversary is near, we teasingly ask if we want to renew for another year. So far, we have both answered with a resounding yes! Without hesitation, I might add.

9.
Communication, communication, communication! As a couple, or a family, everyone involved must communicate. Each person deserves the right to be heard. For Denise, Emma, and I, we learned on our journey that we occasionally need to have the other explain what they are saying, as we know that whatever they say is run though our own baggage filters, and we are not necessarily hearing what they are saying. After they speak, we may say, this is what I heard, is that what you meant. If it isn’t, then it needs to be talked about some more. Many couples don’t communicate well at all, and my advice, as usual, is to get help. Family health and harmony is well worth the extra effort, and everyone will be better because of it. It has worked well for my whole family. It is so nice to visit my immediate family (mom and brothers, etc. too) and be able to discuss things without everyone pushing each other’s buttons and going down the rabbit hole of family dysfunction and family feuding.

10.
One last point. When dealing with children, everything I said above is relevant. On top of that, I believe it is crucial to be open and honest about everything. That does not mean that they should know all that is not age appropriate, but that is really very little in my experience and opinion. It is amazing how fast kids grow up. I notice regularly how much my grandchildren understand at age seven and ten. They pick up on everything, and although they may not always have the words we adults have to describe or explain everything, they are most definitely able to process what we share in a loving and healthy manner. Start young and model the best things, like communication and respect.

I hope that the relationships you have in your life bring you as much joy as mine do to me.

P.S. I forgot to mention that Denise has lovely legs! Her relatives must have been blind or cross eyed. 😊

Donald B. Cheke – June 10, 2024

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