Suicide Isn’t Painless

Have you had the misfortune of knowing someone who has taken their own life? Sadly, I have known far too many over the years, including my own father. Besides him, I bet I could name a half-dozen or more without even breaking a sweat.

In this blog post, I’m going to discuss the effects of suicide on those who are left behind when a loved one ends their own life. I am sure I don’t speak for everyone that has had this experience, but I am sure that there would be many similarities when it comes to feelings.

My father was an alcoholic from a very early age. History shows that he was likely an alcoholic even before his teen years, due to things that occurred in the home of his family of origin. Although my dad left us (including my mom and two brothers) when I was nine years old, I kept in contact with him over the years. Not often, but often enough for him to continue making a negative impact on my psyche. As an indicator of that, I often called him the sperm donor over the years. The times I spent with Dad often included drinking and conversations that were not father/son typical in a healthy way. It is funny how one’s dad can be so immature and riddled with issues, and yet one can still love them. I actually loved my dad, whatever that meant at the time. It was probably a desire to be with him to try and win his love and approval, to know that I wasn’t the reason he left. Whatever the case, as I grew, I found healthy ways to live and to recover from growing up in an alcoholic home. Shortly before Dad left us, Mom started to go to Al-Anon, a 12-step program for those affected by someone else’s drinking. She led the way to recovery for my brothers and me, and for that I have always been grateful. I also became a member of Al-Anon in my early twenties. Between that and the other avenues I found to recover, I was able to come to terms with my father and his choice to end his life.

It was in February of 1985, while I was at a local AA/Al-Anon roundup with my family that we received notification from Dad’s second family that he had shot himself. They were calling to let us know that it had happened and that we were welcome to attend his funeral if we wanted to. Note that we did but chose to sit in the back of the church to give his second family their space to grieve. A very weird place to be at the time, with lots of mixed feelings, as you can imagine.

The thing I remember the most about the news of his death was the finality of it. There simply would never be a chance to develop a better relationship if he ever sobered up and was capable of it. As I think back now, I am blown away to think of all the things he has missed by ending his life. He missed seeing his boys all succeed well in life. He missed meeting the lovely people his sons married and the children and grandchildren that came along. That’s times 2, his starter family (us), and his second family, a wife, another son, and four grandchildren.

I remember hearing that shortly before Dad killed himself, he had tried to stop drinking and went to A.A. It was said that once he began to get sober, he couldn’t face his demons and chose to end his life. Whether this is true or not I can’t say, but it does jibe with what one can read in A.A. literature, which states that some alcoholics are constitutionally incapable of finding sobriety. Perhaps he was one of those alcoholics and could see no hope.

A lot of people have their own guilt after a loved one kills themselves, thinking what they could have done differently to keep the loved one from going through with it. I have never felt that, as I have known all along, that he was not my responsibility and that I had always kept the door open for any kind of possible relationship with him. He was just gone so soon that there would never be a chance in the future.

Dad was 47 years old when he ended his life. It wasn’t too long before he did that, that he said that I would end up just like him. There was a time when that might have been the case, like my late teens and very early twenties, when I was travelling a similar path, with drinking and irresponsible behavior. I got picked up for impaired driving when I was 22 years old, and that is what it took for me to realize that I was heading down the same path. I quit drinking the next day and have remained sober ever since, with the exception of two very small stumbles in the first year. I did try A.A. for a while but found that although some of the drinking stories were similar, I didn’t seem to feel like they did. That is when I made my way to Al-Anon and where I knew I had come home. I chose to never drink again, and that has been no problem at all, but I sure needed the tools I learned in the program to get to the happy place I am now typically in. Yes, life still happens, but I have the tools to recognize what is happening and what I can do to get through.

Just so you get a better picture of the struggle I had with Dad’s words about me ending up just like him, that stayed firmly planted in my mind and I stayed determined to prove him wrong. When I turned 48 years old, I wrote an article called, “The 48th” for the newsletter I was producing at the time. It talked about Dad’s suicide and the recovery process and how I was now older than he was when he died and had proved him wrong. It was very therapeutic to write the article and see the growth I had made. Thinking back, 47 years old was sure young to be throwing in the towel on life. So sad, really.

Like many, I understand the alure of suicide. From early years, I always kept suicide in the back of my mind as a form of escape. I even tried once when I was about twelve years old. I was lying in bed one night and tried to stab a screwdriver into my chest. It didn’t penetrate, but it sure hurt like the dickens. To be honest, I didn’t try very hard, but I was obviously stressed enough to give it a whirl. Even as an adult, the thought of that particular escape plan was never far from my mind. I had several ideas how to do it, but I couldn’t come up with one that would be painless. Yes, I am a big chicken, and don’t like to suffer. I always thought that it would be great to die a king’s death, that of dying while asleep in bed.

Interestingly enough, when I had my first heart attack in later years and was being raced to the hospital, the only thought that kept going through my mind was that I didn’t want to die. It was a spiritual awakening at this time, realizing that all my previous desires to end it all were just thoughts or desires for things to be different, to stop the suffering. There was much comfort in that and it lessened the times I would think about suicide in times to come.

To be honest, I don’t think I could ever kill myself because I couldn’t do that to my family. I know what it’s like to be the one left behind to deal with all the grief. I’m also not convinced one way or the other about what the afterlife entails. On the one hand, I think that once I am dead, that is it; I don’t exist in any form whatsoever. In this way, only the memories others have of me is how I live on. On the other hand, if there is an afterlife, I am not sure I want it, as one life was hard enough. Keep in mind that I don’t want to debate this with anyone else, I am only mentioning it here to make my point. The point is, I don’t know what awaits, and the unknown can always be fear inducing. I can only imagine what it must be like lying in palliative care with a terminal illness, knowing that the end is imminent. I guess by then, one is likely ready to go, if the suffering has been intense, as it often is, based on what I have seen.

Just recently, my wife told me of a woman who had applied to MAID (Medical Assistance in Dying) and was granted permission to end her life. She said that the woman in the presentation stated that she could no longer see any reason for living. The woman in question, had spent time with all the relatives that would be left behind and had their blessing, as it were. The woman also seemed to have an afterlife pictured in her mind, so she was ready to go. Based on what my wife said, and how I interpreted it, it sounded like she was just bored, since she didn’t seem ill in any way, certainly not terminal. Although I tend to feel that people should be able to end their lives if they choose to do so, I found this case left a bad taste in my mouth, as that saying goes. I am not one hundred percent sure why I felt that, but I suppose I believe people can address the things she talked about. Like, put some effort into making life meaningful! At any rate, euthanasia (in all its forms) is quite a slippery slope I would say.

Speaking of euthanasia, did you ever see season 4, episode 22 of Star Trek: The Next Generation? It is called, “Half a Life.” In the show, the Enterprise crew visits a planet where the local law dictates that all residents of the planet must commit ritual suicide when they turn 60 years old. It is called ‘The Resolution,’ a celebratory day when family gathers to see the family member off. It is a cherished time and if someone should question its validity, they are chastised for questioning tradition, as was the case in this episode. It raised a lot of questions that I thought gave viewers a lot to think about. My wife and I tease about the resolution every once in a while, but we are both very happy that this is not a practice here on Earth.

Whenever I think of suicide, due to a recent occurrence I have heard of, or just in general, I always remember the theme song from M*A*S*H. It was called Suicide is Painless, and although I liked the music, I never really paid any attention to the lyrics. Recently, I decided to remedy that and looked the lyrics up. Although some of the things it says make sense, I felt that it was nonsensical in other ways.

Here are the lyrics.

Through early morning fog I see
Visions of the things to be
The pains that are withheld for me
I realize and I can see

That suicide is painless
It brings on many changes
And I can take or leave it
If I please

The game of life is hard to play
I’m gonna lose it anyway
The losing card I’ll someday lay
So this is all I have to say

Suicide is painless (suicide)
It brings on many changes
And I can take or leave it
If I please

The sword of time will pierce our skins
It doesn’t hurt when it begins
But as it works its way on in
The pain grows stronger, watch it grin

Suicide is painless
It brings on many changes
And I can take or leave it
If I please

A brave man once requested me
To answer questions that are key
“Is it to be or not to be?”
And I replied, “Oh, why ask me?”

Suicide is painless
It brings on many changes
And I can take or leave it
If I please

And you can do the same thing
If you please

I decided to ask the Bing AI for some insight into the song and its lyrics.

Me: Please explain the song lyrics of Suicide is Painless

Bing: Certainly! The song “Suicide is Painless” holds a fascinating backstory. Let’s delve into its meaning:

Origin and Context:
The song was written by Johnny Mandel (music) and Mike Altman (lyrics).
It serves as the theme song for the 1970 movie version of “M*A*S*H”.
The lyrics are centered around the emotional state of a fictional character named “Painless Pole” Waldowski, who appears in the film. At one point, this character contemplates suicide.

The song portrays life as a progressively depressing experience, leading the singer to conclude that, relatively speaking, “suicide is painless”. In other words, ending one’s life seems less painful than continuing to live.

Lyric Analysis:
The opening lines describe the singer’s perception through early morning fog, envisioning both future possibilities and withheld pains.

The chorus repeats the assertion that suicide is painless and brings about changes. The singer feels indifferent, able to take it or leave it.

The second verse likens life to a challenging game where defeat is inevitable. The losing card will eventually be played.

The sword of time represents mortality. Initially, it doesn’t hurt, but as it progresses, the pain intensifies.

The final verse references the famous existential question from Shakespeare’s “Hamlet”: “To be or not to be?” The singer responds with a sense of resignation.

Trivia:
Mike Altman, the lyricist, was only 14 years old when he wrote these poignant lyrics. His father, Robert Altman, directed the film and wanted a somewhat silly song to accompany it.

The instrumental version of “Suicide Is Painless” has become more popular than the lyrical version.

In 1992, the Manic Street Preachers covered this classic, achieving success similar to the original.

Remember, this song reflects the fictional character’s emotions and should not be taken as a literal endorsement of suicide. Real-life experiences are far more complex and painful. If you or anyone you know is struggling, please seek professional help and support. 🌟🎵

My first thought, based on the explanation was, what a thoroughly depressing song; (tongue in cheek) almost makes me want to end my life. 😊

I was pleased with the explanation, as it makes sense now, I have to agree with Bing, that real-life experiences are often complex and painful, but I think that working through them and learning from them is best, as suicide robs one of the wisdom that can be found at the end of all struggles. It also destroys any hope and dreams for the one who has ended their life and the relationships to those left behind.

Society is well aware of the cries of those looking to end it all and help exists to get through virtually any one of them. If you are thinking about suicide, please reconsider and check out your local area for the help that exists. Suicide is not painless; it hurts those left behind.

As you know, us humans like to make jokes about many of the difficult things in life that we have to deal with. Sometimes, it makes sense to make light of something in order to survive it. I have heard a number of comedians over the years make fun of such things as birth, birth control, death, dying, and suicide, and a whole lot more. I remember George Carlin doing a bit on birth control pills, giving them interesting product names like “womb broom”, “papa stopper”, etc. If George can do it, it must be okay to do something similar. Right!? I think it was Robin Williams who, in the same vein as George Carlin, came up with some funny product names for suicide pills. I decided that I would do the same with the topic of this blog post and, although a couple of mine might have their origins in him, others are from my brain, and I have given them all my own personal twist.

I had great fun coming up with all the package details. You may not know it at first glance, but I used vintage candy wrappers as my starting point. I am sure you will recognize the look of a few. In case you are interested, I created all the labels in Affinity Designer. I modeled the boxes in TurboCAD and applied the labels using the UV Wrapping tools. To finish, I rendered them in KeyShot. Hopefully you can make out all the small text details. It was so much fun coming up with all of it. 😊

Fukitall Pill Package – Created by Don Cheke

Ultimate Pity Party Pill Package – Created by Don Cheke

Rope-A-Dope Pill Package – Created by Don Cheke

Permasleep Pill Package – Created by Don Cheke

Dirt Nap Pill Package – Created by Don Cheke

Body Bagged Pill Package – Created by Don Cheke

Ash Crash Pill Package – Created by Don Cheke

This next one may seem out of scope, but since I was thinking about death from suicide, I thought one on death alone would fit in well.

Thinking about death, afterlife, and the nursery rhymes we were told as children, the cartoon below came to mind. I remember being stunned when I realized that “this little piggy,” who went to market, was actually going to be slaughtered. Obviously, the little piggy realized as soon as the trip to the market was on, that it wasn’t for shopping. I like to think too, that this is the one that went wee-wee-wee all the way home again, or at least someone else’s home to avoid going through that again. Below is my rendition of this nursery rhyme situation using a chicken that gave up its life for my alter ego’s supper.

To Market – Created by Don Cheke

To conclude this blog post, I think that I would like to reiterate that suicide is not painless for those left behind and it is a very extreme, and permanent, response to most crises in life where it is the result. I think those thinking about it would be better off seeking help before taking that step. For all the times I wanted to die in my life, I can see with 20/20 hindsight how that would have been a huge mistake, and how much I would have missed on this journey called life. I have experienced so much joy and happiness in my life that I cannot imagine not having found the recovery I did and missing the delights that came. A big thanks goes to my Mom, who led the way to recovery for her family – me and my brothers!

Donald B. Cheke – May 6, 2024

4 thoughts on “Suicide Isn’t Painless

  1. Hi Don,
    What an article. As I travel through life, I am 66 now, It never ceases to amaze me how we are all different but outwardly seem to behave very similarly. I lost my mum when I was 11, not to suicide but natural causes, and have attributed that to me being a strong person. My daughter recently lost a step son to suicide, he was 14, so this was pretty close and I cannot begin to imagine what could have drove him to take his own life. I put it down to hope, which I have always had, ambition, which I have always had, opportunity and believe which I have aways had. I feel very blessed, and reading your article even more so. If only we could teach these things perhaps the suicide rate might diminish, however watching the world develop I don’t hold out much hope for that happening.
    Keep writing, I do enjoy your posts.
    I came across you through Turbo Cad BTW, wish I had your skills in it?
    good luck, keep it up.
    Bruce

  2. Hi Don. Sorry to hear about your father. My dad self-destructed at 44 due to alcohol. Destroyed a great career and an amazing family life in the process. Tragically, my brother retraced his steps and lost it all at age 55. I am grateful that you recognized and corrected path early on and learned from your father’s experience. I wish my brother had done the same.
    I got a chuckle out of your product renderings. Your talent in this area amazes me. Watching the Canadian medically assisted suicide fad horrifies me. I pray it doesn’t spread south the US/Canadian border. Keep the blogs coming! I look forward to reading them. Greg

    1. Hi Greg, Thanks for taking time to read the blog post and for your very nice reply.

      I found your comment about the suicide fad interesting. I hadn’t realized it was making the news, even in the USA. After I had written this blog post, I heard yet again of someone I know quite well going the MAID route just last week. Crazy stuff, for sure. Almost feels like it is going to become an epidemic.

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